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Status record

Hunter Biden Politics

PAINTS BOWLING SHOES IN ABSTRACT SWIRLS

Members of the public are advised to check the soles of their rental shoes for wet abstract expressionism

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Hunter Biden queues at a post office, paint-streaked thumb on a folded newspaper, a cat ignoring him.
Location
Lane 6 of a bowling alley beside a launderette on Leith Walk, Edinburgh
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Behind the shoe counter, between a size 9 and a size 11
Observations
Can tell a person's shoe size by the colour of their mood.

He now works the shoe counter at a six-lane alley next to a launderette in Edinburgh. Each pair handed back is sprayed, as required, and then finished with a loose swirl of ink and acrylic. Regulars say the size 8s have never looked so considered.

A spring season of limited-run lane nights begins on the first Friday of March, with a larger summer programme of shoes in teal and ochre to follow. Staff expect every pair of rentals to be signed by August. Booking is advised, as the shoes dry slowly.

Management first tried a smock, then a sign asking him to stop at the heel. He wrote a short memoir of the afternoon, titled Beautiful Things, and carried on, because the red and blue pairs were already in use. A laminated shoe chart was introduced, and painted over by Thursday.

Guidance for the public

Check your shoes before bowling and do not lean on the counter.

Actual status (not satire) Died 18 December 1972, aged 30. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.