Orlando Bloom
The Registry confirms he is the back half, and that the front half has been told to keep going
- Location
- Behind a pantomime horse head outside a supermarket car park, Adelaide, bay 14
- Currently
- Back half of a pantomime horse, still firing arrows
- Last confirmed sighting
- Bending forwards in a hessian rump, Adelaide trolley bay, Tuesday matinee
- Observations
- Can balance a longbow on one hoof while standing in two different postcodes.
He now works as the back half of a pantomime horse at a community hall beside an Adelaide supermarket car park. The front half, a retired driving instructor named Gwen, has never once seen his face. He is paid in oats and half a meat pie.
His elven archery keeps surfacing. Between scenes he fires rolled-up programmes at the exit sign from inside the rump, never missing, and he leaps from the stage onto stairs at the back of the hall sliding on a tray. The tail swishes with unsettling grace and the hair on it has grown long and floaty.
People ask whether he can be seen without the costume. He can, but he declines and his stance is that a blacksmith's apprentice always works from behind. They also ask if he will ever play the front half. He says the front half has to be earnest and he is, apparently, too earnest for it.
Applaud the front half too, and do not offer the rear any carrots.
Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 23 October 2026. Born 13 January 1977. Source: Wikidata
E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.