Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Noel Clarke Actor

MIXED UP WITH CONCRETE GNOME IN EALING

Is he a garden gnome? No. Ornament.

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Noel Clarke peels potatoes on a Zurich railway platform, hood up like a Kidulthood extra, as his carrier bag nears splitting.
Location
Beside a pond in Hammersmith, near the Lyric theatre, beneath a plastic heron
Currently
Standing in a front garden, awaiting a Mickey Smith-style rescue
Last confirmed sighting
Next to a plastic heron in Hammersmith, Tuesday, 4:15 pm
Observations
Can hear a TARDIS landing from three postcodes away, mostly for the wheezing.

Noel Clarke was swapped by mistake with a concrete garden ornament of similar height outside a semi in Hammersmith. The ornament is now at a script meeting in Soho, where it is said to be listening well. Noel remains by the pond, fully conscious and holding a small fishing rod.

"I put the kettle on and thought, that gnome has got a very Mickey Smith look about it," said Dennis, a postman on the route. "Then it asked me if I could pop to the van for a Hood script. I delivered two letters and left."

Noel will remain in the garden until Saturday 14 June, when a collection van is due. From 16 June he will tour three more front lawns in Ealing, Acton and Chiswick, with a matinee on the birdbath. Evening readings of Bulletproof begin in July.

Guidance for the public

Do not water him. Do not move the gnome without checking first.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 23 October 2026. Born 6 December 1975. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.