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Status record

Vincent Kompany

NOW AS THIN AS A LAMINATED MENU

Defence 0-0 Depth: captain holds the line, now only as wide as the line

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Vincent Kompany waits at a park-and-ride stop, coat buttoned, calmly organising a line of traffic cones like a back four.
Location
Beside a marina car park in Croatia, between two parked campervans, at a slight angle
Currently
Holding a very thin defensive line behind a ticket machine
Last confirmed sighting
Sliding in sideways beneath a ticket barrier near Split, 4.40pm
Observations
Can organise a back four using only a bus shelter and mild eye contact.

The captain has become very slightly two-dimensional, roughly the thickness of a good laminated menu. He now stands in the gap behind a marina car park pay station near Split, where attendant Branka says he has not moved off the white line since Tuesday.

Experts disagree about whether the effect improves his defending. One school argues that a man seen only from the front is impossible to get round, while another insists he is now easily beaten by a side wind. Both camps agree he still reads the game.

He is due to turn sideways and vanish briefly on 3 June, before a short tour of narrow alleys along the Dalmatian coast. A full season of standing in doorways is pencilled in from September, with a recital of calm interview answers in four languages at each stop.

Guidance for the public

Approach from the front, and please do not attempt to go round him.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 24 October 2026. Born 10 April 1986. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.