Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Larry David

SWEEPS CAPE TOWN COAST EVERY 12 SECONDS

Beam open dusk to dawn; please do not wave back, it only encourages him

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Larry David carries a ladder through a community garden, pausing to glare at a neighbour who has stopped to chat.
Location
A rocky headland above a Cape Town back garden, beside the washing line
Currently
Sweeping a stretch of coast, disapproving of late boats
Last confirmed sighting
Sweeping past a patio barbecue at 8:14pm, tutting at the smoke
Observations
Once stared a sunset into leaving early, and it apologised on the way out.

Larry David is a lighthouse beam covering four kilometres of coast beyond a back garden in Cape Town. He sweeps once every twelve seconds, from dusk until the gulls complain. The beam is fine and says he is only doing it because somebody had to.

Residents of the nearby cul-de-sac now time their braais by the sweep, and nobody lingers in the light longer than politeness allows. Fishing crews report that being lit up feels like being quietly judged for an overlong goodbye. Two boats have turned back to apologise.

His famous stare has been adapted to the lamp, which pauses a half-second on anyone who double-dips a crisp on the beach. He cuts the beam short whenever a conversation on the promenade drags past four minutes. Visitors who leave early are lit up kindly all the way to the car park.

Guidance for the public

Do not wave at the beam. Leave the shoreline before the second sweep.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 25 October 2026. Born 2 July 1947. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.