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Gary Lineker Football

EXPLAINS OFFSIDE TO SWANS, BIRDS DISPUTE CALLS

"He keeps flagging the same swan over and over" - Derek, lock keeper

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Gary Lineker stacks plastic chairs after a meeting at the campsite café in the Dordogne, holding each one at arm's length to assess its alignment with the others before placement.
Location
Near the Medway, two miles upstream of Rochester where the cygnets gather
Currently
Swan upper on the Medway, flag work ongoing, one bird disputing every call
Last confirmed sighting
Tuesday morning, holding the flag at half-mast by a weir
Observations
Once correctly predicted a mute swan's offside position from three hundred yards away.

Gary has taken up a position with the Medway Swan Upper's office as of last month, responsible for tracking and tagging the Thames breeding population. The role appeared straightforward until the birds began responding to his offside flag with what witnesses describe as 'tactical awareness.' He now spends six hours daily on the bank near Rochester, flag raised and lowered, explaining positioning to swans that refuse to accept his rulings.

Through the office manager, Gary confirmed the situation was 'broadly manageable, a game of two halves really.' He added that one particular cygnet, henceforth referred to as 'the problem bird,' has begun mirroring his flag movements thirty seconds before he makes them. He maintains this does not alter the fundamental approach to upper work.

"He stands there with that flag like he's at the Match of the Day desk," said Christine, assistant lock keeper. "Every time a swan moves, he's flagging it. Last Tuesday one got stuck in the sluice and he had to explain very carefully that it wasn't offside, just trapped. Took him twenty minutes. The swan won."

Guidance for the public

Members of the public should not attempt to explain offside to swans without proper flag training.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 30 November 1960. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.