Registry of Existential Status
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Check the current status of a public figure

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Status record

James Anderson

SERVES SPRINKLES IN SIX-BALL OVERS

Van serves Mondays to Saturdays, 11am to 6pm, swinging gently both ways in the afternoon

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
James Anderson buys stamps at an Istanbul kiosk, holding the sheet up to the light like a new ball, seam checked.
Location
Lay-by behind a recycling centre outside Rosenheim, Bavaria, facing the glass banks
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Third bottle bank from the left, 4.12pm, playing a chime
Observations
Can swing a 99 flake round a corner and back into the cone.

James Anderson has taken a job driving an ice cream van around the Rosenheim recycling centre. He hands each cone over with a smooth run-up from the serving hatch, and the ice cream arrives after a slight late curve. Customer Heidi says it always lands in the hand.

Experts disagree about the swing. Dairy engineers say the cones are curving because of the van's chimes, while meteorologists blame a humid afternoon over the glass banks. A third group insists the cones simply know where they should go, and have been polishing them on his trouser leg to be sure.

Monday 11.00: van opens, first cone outswings into a wheelie bin. Wednesday 14.30: a 99 lands in a hand, left of the first. Friday 16.15: sprinkles delivered in a full over, six to a customer. Saturday 17.55: van parked, sunhat on dashboard, seam upright on the final wafer.

Guidance for the public

Stand side-on, hands ready, and expect a late curve on every cone.

Actual status (not satire) Died 28 May 1739. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.