Registry of Existential Status
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Check the current status of a public figure

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Status record

Gary Lineker Football

SLIDES UNDER WIPERS, SPOTTED ON WINDSCREENS

Public asked not to fold, post, or file under letters any man in a blazer found flat near Frankfurt

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Gary Lineker stacks plastic chairs after a meeting at the campsite café in the Dordogne, holding each one at arm's length to assess its alignment with the others before placement.
Location
Level 4 of a Frankfurt multi-storey, pressed flat against a pay machine
Currently
Presenting highlights from a laminated sheet, with a clip
Last confirmed sighting
Sliding under a windscreen wiper, Tuesday, 14:10, ticket machine side
Observations
Has been mistaken for a very good beer mat in eleven German postcodes.

Gary Lineker has become very slightly two-dimensional and is currently stuck to the wall of Level 4 beside the pay machine. Attendant Heidi noticed when he introduced the evening's highlights from a position that could only be described as flush. He is otherwise in good spirits and still pleasantly polite.

A magnetic tactics board was held against him in the hope he would pop back out, but he simply became part of the diagram. Inflating him with a bicycle pump produced a squeak and a brief impression of a crisp packet. A sofa was propped nearby, which he slid onto sideways.

Yes, he can still score, provided the goal is drawn on the same wall. No, he cannot be posted, despite repeated enquiries from a courier called Stefan. He will tell you whether it was offside, but only from the front, and only in profile.

Guidance for the public

Do not lean on the wall at Level 4; say hello and mind the edges.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 30 November 1960. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.