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Status record

Stella McCartney Art and design

HEMS UMPIRE'S COAT DURING TEA BREAK

Tea urn open Saturdays 1pm to tea; vegan milk available on request, tailoring after the last over

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Stella McCartney checks the stitching on a wool coat at a church rummage sale table, tape measure around her neck.
Location
Behind the pavilion urn, beside a lawn bowls club outside Bundaberg, Queensland
Currently
Tea urn operator, fitting the club's cardigans
Last confirmed sighting
Behind the urn, measuring a teaspoon for a hem
Observations
Can tell a blazer's inseam by the sound of the kettle clicking off.

Stella McCartney has taken a post as tea urn operator at a cricket club north of Bundaberg, and is fine. She wears the club apron cut down to a sharper line and has replaced the dairy milk with oat. Members say the urn now runs at a flattering temperature.

The season runs to late March, with home fixtures every Saturday and a twilight match on the 14th. A capsule collection of tea cosies in undyed wool is planned for the August break. Sleeves on the umpire's coat will be taken in at the interval.

The committee has asked her to stop altering the scorers' blazers, and has hidden the pins. She simply used the urn's tap washers, a tape measure and a biro instead. A sign asking for no tailoring was pinned up, but it has since been taken in at the waist.

Guidance for the public

Queue for tea politely and do not offer opinions on the cardigans.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 13 September 1971. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.