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Status record

Bruno Fernandes Football

SPREADS ARMS AT SWANS, THEY FORM UP

Correction: the penalty hop was not a greeting, and the cygnets have stopped answering to it

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Bruno Fernandes pauses with a hop in a narrow hallway, a carrier bag of oranges about to split, arms spread in frustration.
Location
Riverbank near Old Trafford, Trafford, between two moored rowing skiffs
Currently
Swan upper, counting cygnets with a pause before each
Last confirmed sighting
Counting cygnets by the Bridgewater Canal, one hop at a time
Observations
Can pass a cygnet fifty metres through a hedge and still demand an apology.

Bruno has taken a post as a swan upper on the stretch of canal near Old Trafford, wearing a captain's armband over his waders. Each cygnet is counted with a small hop and a pause before the tally is called. The swans have begun treating this as a signal to wait.

The count continues daily until the end of the season, with a mid-week session on the Bridgewater Canal and a long-range weigh-in of cygnets planned for the first fine Saturday. Further dates are subject to the swans and to a small hop.

He has tried counting quickly, counting from a distance, and counting without the pause, but the cygnets drift off when the hop is skipped. He then tried spreading both arms at the swans in frustration, which they took as a formation and swam into.

Guidance for the public

Do not move while the count is paused; the swans are waiting for the hop.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 8 September 1994. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.