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Status record

Amy Winehouse Musician

BELFRY CHIMES HOURLY IN HUSKY CONTRALTO

Bell ringers advise delays on the B1202 as a husky contralto drifts across the churchyard

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Amy Winehouse browses second-hand records and books at a tram stop in Lisbon, beehive tilted, a radio playing somewhere.
Location
Bell tower, a village green two miles north of Camden Lock, Norfolk
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Halfway up a bell rope, humming, Tuesday 4.10pm
Observations
Can hear a beehive hairdo from three counties away and tells it to sit down.

The bells of St Edmund's, Little Hawley, have rung every quarter hour in a smoky contralto since Monday. Vicar Janet has confirmed the singer is Amy Winehouse, who is in the belfry and fine, just locked out of her own voice. The hourly chime now sounds like 'Back to Black'.

Campanologists blame the damp, and acousticians blame the brass, which they say sounds suspiciously like a horn section. Both camps agree the vibrato is hers, but disagree on whether the bells took the voice or politely borrowed it. A third group maintains it is a very good echo.

Retrieval is planned in three legs: a rehearsal on Thursday at 7pm, a full peal on Saturday, and a final attempt at evensong on the first Sunday of the month. Tickets are free, though the ringers ask that nobody sings along to 'Rehab' in the nave. She is expected to have her voice back by Michaelmas.

Guidance for the public

Please do not hum along, as the bells may take it as encouragement.

Actual status (not satire) Died 23 July 2011, aged 27. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.