Joni Mitchell
Available Wednesdays through Saturdays, nine until the ducks disperse.
- Location
- A narrow hallway off the Rue de Rivoli, third landing up, where two gates meet.
- Currently
- Crossing-patrol supervisor, mapping duck routes by ear, humming in capo seven.
- Last confirmed sighting
- Threading a whistle on blue thread outside the Bibliothèque Sainte-Geneviève, Tuesday absent.
- Observations
- Teaches the ducks to cross only on diminished sevenths. Traffic compliance is down but aesthetic coherence is up.
Joni Mitchell has assumed responsibility for safe passage of waterfowl across the narrow lane beside the Marais apartment block where she maintains a studio. The role emerged in late September after local residents noticed the ducks were already crossing in patterns of striking harmonic complexity. She produces daily charts annotated in watercolour, each route colour-coded to correspond with specific chord progressions.
Her fingerpicking technique has revolutionised pedestrian safety protocol. Rather than mechanical signals, she uses a dulcimer tuned to open G to mark each crossing phase, varying the timbre to distinguish between adults and ducklings. Traffic has slowed considerably; drivers report the intervals between tones feel almost compositional, and several have stopped entirely to listen to what they describe as the full phrase.
She maintains office hours Wednesdays through Saturdays only, as the ducks are allegedly nocturnal on Mondays and invisible on Sundays. Enquiries about overtime are redirected to a handwritten sign reading 'In the painting.' She has declined all requests to simplify the crossing protocol, noting that the current system is 'merely observing what was already happening.'
Do not attempt to cross the lane without consulting the chromatic chart posted Tuesdays.
Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 7 November 1943. Source: Wikidata
E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.