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Status record

Jeremy Clarkson TV and radio

KEYS TO EVERYWHERE

Night porter available 11pm to 6am, weekdays only, absolutely furious.

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Jeremy Clarkson reads the instructions for a microwave at a Hong Kong ferry terminal, holding them at arm's length like a manifesto, one shoelace undone.
Location
A hotel near Lumphini Park, next to a cart selling grilled meat skewers in Silom Road.
Currently
Managing guest requests and the slow-motion failure of his rental car insurance claim.
Last confirmed sighting
Shouting at the ice machine, third floor, Bangkok, Tuesday, 2:14am.
Observations
Has personally reviewed every pillow in the hotel using a points system from minus 47 to plus 3.

Jeremy has taken the position of night porter at a mid-range establishment near Lumphini Park. Management appointed him on the understanding that someone with his broadcast experience would handle difficult guests with poise. He has interpreted this differently.

He is currently sorting a dispute between rooms 308 and 309 over an alleged car park space. The guests have asked him to mediate using calm language. He has instead produced a detailed PowerPoint comparing the width of both spaces to notorious 1970s Rovers, which he claims proves the whole situation is ridiculous and the hotel's fault entirely.

Staff cannot agree on his work rate. The day manager insists he has moved no fewer than seventeen cots since Monday. The concierge claims he has spent six hours explaining why the hotel's Wi-Fi speed is not a personal affront to his character. Housekeeping reports he was found at 3am reorganizing the minibar by horsepowers.

Guidance for the public

Do not ask him to reset the WiFi password. He will take it personally.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 11 April 1960. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.