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Status record

Cristiano Ronaldo Football

STUCK ON REPEAT

Lock systems remain fully operational despite continuous intervention.

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Ronaldo places an empty plastic bottle into a recycling bin at a Bavarian recycling centre, striking a pose of triumph as it lands.
Location
Canal lock 47B, near the Bletchley roundabout verge, Milton Keynes
Currently
Operating lock 47B, sliding the gates open forty-seven times daily
Last confirmed sighting
Attempting to slide down the lock gates at 6.47 a.m.
Observations
Has marked all seven lock mechanisms with tape in the style of his shirt number.

Cristiano Ronaldo is currently employed as a canal lock keeper at Bletchley. He arrived on 23 January and has been observed sliding the lock gates open and closed with unusual intensity. The position was intended to be part-time.

Milton Keynes Council has received 340 compliments regarding gate efficiency and 156 complaints about the noise of his daily celebration routine. One resident notes the lock now opens at competition-standard speed. Another reports their cycle commute has become unpredictable due to the knee-slide marks on the towpath.

Ronaldo is currently working on a personal project: completing the daily lock cycles in under seven minutes. By day nine, he had achieved this four times. He has begun marking each completion on the lock house wall, and has requested permission to repaint the gates white.

Guidance for the public

Avoid the lock between 6 a.m. and 8 p.m. if you value your schedule.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 5 February 1985. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.