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Sir Alex Ferguson now exists as a minimum of four separate and quarrelsome versions of himself, discovered simultaneously in different rooms of a Trafford hotel on Tuesday morning. None will concede ground to the others, and all are convinced their interpretation of his own legacy is correct. The receptionist describes the noise as 'like someone arguing with themselves about whether corners should be short or long, but louder'.

His current project involves attempting to impose unified discipline on his own duplicates through a series of handwritten training schedules, each one annotated with 'DO THIS OR I'LL FINE YOU' in increasingly aggressive capitals. Progress is minimal. Two versions have already stopped speaking to the others, one refuses to acknowledge the clipboard system entirely, and the fourth has begun a separate tactical initiative that directly contradicts the established doctrine.

Queries regarding whether this represents a permanent state have not been satisfactorily answered, as the versions cannot agree on whether to issue a joint statement. He insists through various spokespeople that he remains in control of the situation, though witnesses report this claim is being contested by at least two of his alternate selves simultaneously. The hotel has requested they reach consensus before checkout.