Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Alex Ferguson Football

LIVES IN GLOVEBOX OF CAPE TOWN HATCHBACK

New car smell 3, showroom 0: gum-and-leather aroma wins on aggregate, added time indicated

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Sir Alex Ferguson sorts the recycling at a church rummage sale in Minnesota, pausing to argue with another version of himself about the correct bin for a plastic container, while a seagull eyes a cardboard box marked 'TACTICAL NOTES'.
Location
Back garden, Cape Town, inside a parked hatchback with the windows up
Currently
Smell of a new hatchback, chewing audibly
Last confirmed sighting
Dashboard of a hatchback, Claremont, 4.55pm, added time
Observations
Can be detected by dogs from four postcodes away and by the sunroof from two.

Alex Ferguson is now the smell of a new car, specifically a mid-range hatchback parked beside a braai in a back garden in Cape Town. The scent is leather, mint chewing gum and mild disappointment in the rear three-quarters. Neighbour Thandi noticed it when her dog sat to attention at the driver's door.

Callers keep asking whether he can be switched off, and he cannot, though opening a window produces a firm look. Asked if the smell has a view on the weather, a spokesman confirmed it is 'squeaky bum time' from October to May. It does not accept tactical questions, and it will not say who is playing.

The household now checks the car at ninety minutes and again when the fourth official's board would be raised. The dog has stopped chewing the seats and sits very still for the second half. Visitors to the garden tap their wrists, which the smell seems to appreciate with a faint waft of cinnamon.

Guidance for the public

Do not open the windows before the final whistle; mints may be left on the dashboard.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 31 December 1941. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.