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Status record

Alan Titchmarsh Gardener

A PERSISTENT SOCK

LOST: Green fingers, answering service, entire gardening shed, Kaisaniemi district

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Alan Titchmarsh purchases a raffle ticket at a kiosk in Istanbul, arriving 45 minutes before it opens, holding the ticket like a prize specimen of heirloom tomato.
Location
The left-luggage office of Rautatientori railway station, third shelf past the plant identification books.
Currently
Cataloguing the botanical contents of forgotten suitcases, explaining each plant's prospects.
Last confirmed sighting
Trowelling grit into the corners of a lost holdall, 4.47 a.m., nobody watching.
Observations
Has somehow germinated a runner bean inside a 1987 hardback edition of Middlemarch that nobody came to collect.

Alan Titchmarsh is currently resident in the lost property office of Rautatientori station in Helsinki, where he has taken up the position of consultant archivist. He arrived three weeks ago with a single bag and decided to stay, apparently on the grounds that the shelves required proper organisation and the accumulated items deserved explanations.

Attempts to relocate him have met with resistance. The Finnish national broadcaster tried offering him a television slot; he declined, noting that the fluorescent lighting was perfectly adequate. A gardening charity sent emissaries with bus tickets; he was polite but busy, hands deep in a lost wicker basket, discussing soil pH with the station master.

He has announced a programme of work extending to late April: Mondays and Thursdays are reserved for the accumulated overcoats and bags in the north corner, where he suspects dormant seeds may have settled. A public open day is scheduled for 14 March, when anyone who has lost a plant—or thinks they might have—may visit and seek his advice between 10 a.m. and noon.

Guidance for the public

Check lost property offices before throwing anything away; things improve with proper attention.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 2 May 1949. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.