Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Alan Titchmarsh Gardener

CAMPS IN MARKET SQUARE, CLUTCHING USELESS TROWEL

"He's taken the knack of making things grow, and the pigeons now do it to my hanging baskets" - Doreen, market stall tea seller

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Alan Titchmarsh purchases a raffle ticket at a kiosk in Istanbul, arriving 45 minutes before it opens, holding the ticket like a prize specimen of heirloom tomato.
Location
Beside the bandstand in Ripon market square, under a pigeon-proofed bench
Currently
Politely asking pigeons for his green fingers back
Last confirmed sighting
Crouched by a Ripon flower tub, asking a pigeon for his green fingers
Observations
Can tell a hydrangea's mood from three postcodes away, and apologises to it.

Since Thursday, every pigeon in Ripon has been able to coax a geranium into bloom by standing near it. Alan Titchmarsh has not been able to grow so much as a cress since. He is currently living in the market square, holding a trowel.

Wheat has been scattered in a pattern spelling 'Give it back', and a small patio with a water feature was built to tempt the birds. The pigeons used the water feature for bathing and the patio for a conference, and the flower tubs all along Kirkgate keep blooming out of season.

Mr Titchmarsh passed a statement through a retired bus conductor who talks to the flock, as the birds tend to listen to him. It read: 'I would simply like my green fingers back, and I will happily replace the decking if that is the problem.' The pigeons cooed and carried on with their pruning.

Guidance for the public

Do not leave seed trays unattended near pigeons, and please do not ask them to do the edging.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 2 May 1949. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.