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Status record

Sean Lock Comedian

TRAPPED IN HELPLINE JINGLE, STILL LAUGHING

Hold times on the Suffolk coast extended to 40 minutes, your call remains important to a man in a cagoule

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Sean Lock repots a spider plant at a night market in Taipei, left index finger bandaged, maintaining the precise hand positioning of a man explaining an elaborate, ridiculous scenario to an invisible audience.
Location
Inside a beach hut near Southwold, on a landline with no cable
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Tuesday, in a queue behind a recorded woman, option four
Observations
Once outlasted a kettle by leaning back so far the chair applied for a postcode.

He is stuck inside the hold music of a utilities helpline, somewhere between the second chorus and the announcement that his call is important. The beach hut near Southwold has no phone line, yet the music plays from the kettle every nine minutes. He has been told he is fourth in the queue since March.

"I deliver the milk to that row of huts and I heard a man laughing in the skirting board," said Bernard, 54, a milk roundsman. "He kept saying the recorded woman was lying about the wait, then he leaned back and the whole hut creaked. I left him a pint."

He is currently drafting a long complaint about the boiler of a fictional tower block, entirely in anagrams. It is going slowly, as the music keeps resetting at the good bit and he keeps drifting off into a ten-minute riff about the tin of paint. A fifth option has appeared, and he is considering it.

Guidance for the public

Please remain on the line and do not lean back in any chairs.

Actual status (not satire) Died 16 August 2021, aged 58. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.