Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Robbie Coltrane Actor

MOTORBIKE PARKED IN WARDROBE, UMBRELLA ON RAIL

Gamekeeper conducts business from inside wardrobe at furniture showroom, customers advised to knock

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Robbie Coltrane fills in a form in block capitals at a wholesale warehouse in Singapore, a biro tucked behind his ear, his handwriting large enough to be read from several aisles away.
Location
Wardrobe 6, furniture showroom beside the Moss ferry queue, Norway
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Behind a row of winter coats, whistling for a dog
Observations
Can be heard through three walls of flat-pack, and once reorganised a shelf by laughing.

He now lives in the back of a double wardrobe at a furniture showroom, three cars from the front of a Norwegian ferry queue. He keeps a pink umbrella on the rail and a motorbike parked between the hangers. Staff say the door opens outward, which is unusual for the model.

Callers ask whether he has been seen in a Cadillac, and he has not, as it would not fit. They also ask if he still does the voice, and he does, mainly at closing time. Shoppers ask whether the wardrobe is for sale; it is not, and he has a lodge in it.

Monday, 09:15: the wardrobe is delivered to Bay 6. Tuesday, 14:40: a pink umbrella appears on the rail. Thursday, 11:00: a man in the beard is assisting with a bedroom set. Saturday, 17:30: the motorbike is heard idling among the hangers. Sunday, 08:00: he asks for tea, and a kettle is installed.

Guidance for the public

Knock twice before opening any wardrobe in Moss, and wait for the laugh.

Actual status (not satire) Died 14 October 2022, aged 72. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.