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Status record

Patrick Mahomes

SIDEARM THROW ESCAPES WITH THE OUTGOING TIDE

"He's been up and down the beach since dawn, throwing at the waves" - Dennis, ice cream van driver

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Patrick Mahomes buys skewers at a Taipei night market, flicking a no-look pass of change to the vendor.
Location
Low tide mark, a mile south of Arrowhead Pier, Kansas City
Currently
Retrieving his arm angle from the Atlantic, week two
Last confirmed sighting
Ankle-deep off a groyne, sidearming a football at a wave
Observations
Can throw a football through a keyhole while the door is still being painted.

The sidearm release that made Patrick Mahomes famous has drained out of him and into the tides. Every high tide now delivers spirals to the shore at odd angles, each one thrown by nobody. Dennis, who sells ice cream by the pier, has been hit twice by waves.

Beachcombers have logged three items: a perfect 40-yard spiral landing in a rock pool, a wave that looked left and went right, and a seagull that checked its coverage before diving.

Mahomes is wading out each morning with a bucket and a mesh net, trying to scoop his throwing motion back out of the water. So far he has recovered the follow-through, a little of the smile and a crab that now runs routes.

Guidance for the public

Do not stand in the shallows with your hands out.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 17 September 1995. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.