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Status record

Osama bin Laden

SEASONALLY SIGNIFICANT

Weather station reader found narrating atmospheric conditions in Sweden

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
The reader tests a smoke alarm at a kiosk in Istanbul, holding it at chest height like a broadcasting device, a queue of tourists forming behind him.
Location
The car park behind an IKEA near Värmland, inside a beige plastic weather hut
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Tuesday, updating visibility figures with unusual intensity
Observations
Has memorised 40 years of mean annual rainfall data. Recites it alphabetically during night shifts.

Since March, a weather station reader has been stationed in a portable hut behind a furniture retail park near Värmland. Witnesses confirm the readings are technically accurate. His commentary on barometric pressure trends has developed an unusual rhetorical intensity.

"He records the overnight wind speeds at exactly 22:47," says Britta Holm, a night-shift security guard at the adjacent car park. "Very deliberate about it. Pauses between sentences. You'd think the 2.3 metres per second was important to someone, somewhere."

He is currently working through a backlog of humidity reports from autumn 1997, narrating each one into the station's archive recording system. Progress is methodical. The work is expected to continue indefinitely.

Guidance for the public

Do not approach during hourly updates. Pressure systems require his full attention.

Actual status (not satire) Died 2 May 2011, aged 54. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.