Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Nick Knowles TV and radio

SLEDGEHAMMERS WINDMILL, HOLE 9 NOW OPEN-PLAN

Hole 9 closed northbound, sledgehammer delays expected, tradesmen advised to use the windmill

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Nick Knowles tests marker pens at a picnic table beside a highway, holding one cautiously at arm's length while eyeing a second with mild suspicion.
Location
Crazy golf course beside a highway picnic area, Ontario, between the windmill and Hole 14
Currently
Groundskeeper of a crazy golf course, rebuilding it weekly
Last confirmed sighting
Holding a spirit level against a plastic lighthouse, Tuesday, 7:40 a.m.
Observations
Can measure a plastic windmill by sound from three postcodes away.

Nick Knowles has taken a job as groundskeeper at a crazy golf course beside a highway picnic area in Ontario. Within a week, every hole had been demolished and rebuilt with a larger team of volunteers than the course has customers. The clown's mouth on Hole 7 now has a load-bearing beam.

Experts disagree on whether the course is being repaired or merely surprised. Surveyors say the windmill was fine before Thursday. Golfers maintain that a hammer-sized gap in the fence is part of the design, while Mr Knowles insists it was always meant to be an open-plan lighthouse.

The course reopens on Saturday with a full reveal at 4 p.m., after which it will be demolished again for the autumn season. A second reveal is booked for the October long weekend, and a third is pencilled in for whenever the volunteers stop arriving by coach.

Guidance for the public

Do not stand near any hole you were fond of; it may be improved.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 21 September 1962. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.