Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Martin Clunes Actor

BEAM SWEEPS CORNISH COAST, TUTS AT TRAWLERS

Item 7: the beam is to be asked, once more, to stop frowning at the harbour wall

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Martin Clunes inspects tomatoes at a farm stand in Vermont with a plaster on one finger, holding the produce at arm's length as though checking structural integrity and pointing out where the load-bearing would fail.
Location
Offshore rock, 400 metres past the coin car wash outside Boulder City, Nevada
Currently
Sweeping a headland, grumbling at passing trawlers
Last confirmed sighting
Sweeping a Cornish harbour wall every nine seconds, with a scowl
Observations
Once frowned a lobster into apologising, and it still sends a card.

Martin Clunes is now a lighthouse beam, sweeping a single stretch of coast every nine seconds. Fishermen near Port Isaac say it arrives with a faint tut and leaves with a sigh. Sailors have been advised the beam is not a people person.

The beam will sweep the harbour wall nightly from 6pm until dawn, with a bank holiday matinee over the car park. A short season over the slipway begins in March, pending tides. Dogs are welcome on the shingle, and a Labrador has been booked to sit under the lamp.

People keep asking whether the beam can be turned off for a surgery appointment. It cannot, though it will dim slightly if you have a cough. People also ask if it will shine on the pub, and it will, but only in a disapproving way.

Guidance for the public

Do not wave at the beam; it will only ask what you want.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 28 November 1961. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.