Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

James O'Brien TV and radio

KEEPS BOATERS WAITING, FINISHING LAST ARGUMENT

Item 7: Members noted that the lock keeper has again asked the boater to clarify what exactly they mean

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
James O'Brien asks for directions at the steps of a Belgian town hall, consulting a map with both hands, listening intently to each word of the reply before pressing gently for clarification.
Location
Lock 4, a canal behind a supermarket car park in Adelaide, 11 miles from any water
Currently
Lock keeper, taking calls from passing narrowboats
Last confirmed sighting
Operating the lock gate winch, asking a narrowboat to clarify its position
Observations
Can make a barge reverse by saying 'but why?' twice at a slight upward angle.

James O'Brien now works as a lock keeper on a canal that runs behind a supermarket car park in Adelaide. Boaters arriving at the gates are greeted with a headset and a flask. Each is asked to hold while he finishes the previous boat's argument.

The public keep asking whether the water level is his fault, and whether he has a view on the tide. He has explained, patiently, that a canal has no tide, and then asked the caller why they thought it might. Several boaters now ring ahead to ask the same question and enjoy the answer.

The council tried a sign saying 'Please Work The Gates Yourself', but boaters kept stopping to ask him to repeat it back. A second keeper was sent, and was promptly asked what exactly he meant by 'second'. Both gates remain open while the debate continues.

Guidance for the public

Do not approach the lock without a clear, well-structured question and a flask.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 28 September 1987. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.