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Status record

Isaac Newton

APPLE ROLLS PAST, HE WRITES LAW

Correction: he is not between two carriages for the gravity, but for the motion, which is relentless

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Isaac Newton sorts brass weights by denomination on a Brighton seafront bench during drizzle, a car alarm wailing nearby, arranging each in descending order with mathematical precision.
Location
Between two carriages of a stationary goods train behind a petrol station near Vierzon, France
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Carriage coupling, 14:10, with a quill and a lunch box
Observations
Has been falling toward the same apple since 1666 and keeps arriving politely.

He now lives in the gap between two railway carriages, about 40 centimetres wide, and carries on his work from there. Each time the train is shunted he records the jolt in a notebook, in Latin. Station staff in Vierzon say the gap is tidier than it has ever been.

His statement was passed on by a pigeon that sits on the buffer. It reads: 'A body at rest remains at rest, and I am a body at rest, and I would like that respected. Please send a prism and more ink.' The pigeon declined to comment further.

Monday, 07:15: first shunt, logged as one unit of force. Tuesday, 12:30: an apple rolls off a passing lunch trolley and is studied for an hour. Thursday, 16:45: the carriages part by an inch, and he proposes a law. Saturday, 09:00: he wins an argument with the coupling.

Guidance for the public

Do not shunt the carriages without first announcing it clearly and in advance.

Actual status (not satire) Died 20 March 1727, aged 84. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.