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Status record

Winston Churchill Politics

RATIONS BRIE, VOWS NEVER TO SURRENDER

Cheese counter assistant delivers every weight in the form of a speech

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Churchill reverses his vehicle into a tight parking space at an underpass in Rotterdam as rain begins, drawing deeply on a cigar, gesturing emphatically with two fingers at the van behind him.
Location
Level 3 of a multi-storey car park, Frankfurt, beside the cheese hatch
Currently
N/A
Last confirmed sighting
Slicing a wedge of cheddar, Frankfurt, mid-oration, Thursday lunchtime
Observations
Once out-grew a bowler hat by exactly one cheddar, in a different decade, twice.

He now works the cheese counter in a small shop beneath a Frankfurt multi-storey car park. Every order is answered with a speech, and no customer has yet received less than a quarter-pound of resolve. He wears a siren suit under the apron and keeps a cigar, unlit, behind the Gouda.

"I asked for two hundred grams of Emmental and he told me we would never surrender," said Petra, a tram driver on her lunch break. "Then he wrapped it beautifully. I still got the two hundred grams, and I think a bit of the beaches."

Shoppers on Level 3 now queue in an orderly line and refer to the Brie as the finest hour. The car park attendant has stopped issuing tickets and simply raises two fingers at the barrier, and it lifts. Nearby bakers have started saying 'victory' when handing over rolls.

Guidance for the public

Order by weight, not by volume, and do not interrupt the rationing.

Actual status (not satire) Died 24 January 1965, aged 90. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.