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Status record

Volodymyr Zelenskyy Politics

HIRED TO RING BELLS, TOWER TELLS JOKES

Item 7: members agreed the bells were punctual, but queried the pause before each chime

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy eats a marmalade sandwich at a diner counter, pausing for comic timing before each bite.
Location
Bell loft above a Kryvyi Rih tram depot, third rope from the left
Currently
Cathedral bell ringer, keeping the sitcom in the tower
Last confirmed sighting
Tuesday, 6:58 a.m., leaving a marmalade sandwich on the tenor bell
Observations
Can tell when a pause has gone on exactly one second too long, from two postcodes away.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy has taken a post as bell ringer at the cathedral, working the rope from a stool in the loft. He is on the rota for matins, evensong and any wedding that runs late. He arrives early, pats each bell, and says it is good to be among a tough crowd.

He is currently rehearsing a full peal with a long pause before the last bell, which he insists is where the laugh goes. The tower has begun to answer in a gruff voice that sounds like a small bear asking for marmalade. Progress is steady, though the clock is now four seconds behind the chimes.

The parish council has received eleven compliments about the timing and nine complaints about the pause, which one resident calls unbearable in the best way. A piano has been left at the foot of the tower stairs, and no one has admitted to leaving it. The council has asked him to stop encoring at 6 a.m.

Guidance for the public

Please do not applaud the pause. It only makes the pause longer.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 25 January 1978. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.