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Status record

Volodymyr Zelensky Politics

CRIES LESSONS ALONG BRIGHTON PROMENADE

A gull on the railings says he will keep announcing until the tide asks him to stop

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Volodymyr Zelensky eats a marmalade sandwich on a cul-de-sac kerb, in a borrowed anorak, looking very politely at a hedge.
Location
Beside the second bench past the Brighton pier turnstile, in drizzle
Currently
Town crier on Brighton seafront, still handing out homework
Last confirmed sighting
Ringing a hand bell outside a closed ice cream kiosk, 7.40am
Observations
Can ring a hand bell in the key of a classroom register.

The council appointed a new town crier for the Brighton seafront in March. He takes the job seriously, but every proclamation comes out in the weary, kindly tone of a history teacher. Dorothy from the kiosk says the 'Oyez' has been replaced by 'Right, settle down.'

Since the appointment the promenade has produced a whiteboard bearing tomorrow's announcements, a marmalade sandwich left carefully under the bell each morning, and a piano on the pier that plays one note whenever he clears his throat.

The council issued a tricorn hat and a laminated card of approved proclamations, but he reads it as a lesson plan and sets questions at the end. A trial with a megaphone failed when the gulls began putting their hands up.

Guidance for the public

Do not heckle the crier; he will pause and ask whose turn it is.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 25 January 1978. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.