Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Tom Cruise Actor

CAN'T REACH FRIDAY, KEEPS RUNNING ANYWAY

Wanted: one Thursday afternoon, slightly used, to be returned to him in a sprint

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Tom Cruise pumps up a bicycle tyre at a vaporetto stop in Venice, holding the pump at arm's length like a grappling hook, already seven minutes late for his 6 a.m. announcement bell.
Location
Behind a coin car wash in Nevada, running past the same vacuum bay
Currently
Running the same Thursday afternoon, stunts all self-performed
Last confirmed sighting
Thursday, 3:15pm, sprinting past the same vacuum hose again
Observations
Has outrun the number four so often that it now waits for him at stops.

Tom Cruise is stuck in one pleasant Thursday afternoon, sunny, mild, with a light breeze over the coin car wash. At 3:15pm he sprints past the vacuum bays, arms pinned, and at 3:16pm he is back at the start. He has done this roughly nine thousand times.

He has tried hanging off the side of the car wash gantry, riding a motorbike off the roof of the change machine, and delivering a message that self-destructs in five seconds. The afternoon simply absorbs each stunt and resets, leaving only a slightly warmer vacuum nozzle. Nobody has found a way to schedule a Friday.

"He comes past every day at quarter past three, running like the building's on fire," said Donna, who empties the coin boxes. "I've offered him a tea. He grins, says he'll take it next time, and next time it's the same Thursday. Lovely lad, but he's wearing out the drain cover."

Guidance for the public

Please do not wave him down; he will wave back while running past.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 20 June 1967. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.