Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Selma Blair Actor

SMOULDERS AT TIMARU LAMP, BEAM NEVER FAILS

Lighthouse open Tuesday to Saturday, dusk until the beam has finished being dramatic

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Selma Blair counts out change at a farm stand, a small flame flickering in her palm.
Location
Lighthouse at the end of a cul-de-sac in Timaru, New Zealand
Currently
Lighthouse keeper, lamp lit by a very small fire
Last confirmed sighting
Polishing the lens with a silk scarf, 6.40pm, low tide
Observations
Can ignite a pilot light by raising one eyebrow at it from Dunedin.

Selma Blair has taken up a post as keeper of a small lighthouse at the end of Pelorus Close, a cul-de-sac in Timaru. The lamp is no longer powered by the grid. It runs on the faint, smouldering glow she gives off when mildly irritated, and it has been very consistent.

Residents of Pelorus Close now set their evenings by the beam, which sweeps the cul-de-sac in a low, husky tone. Bin night is quieter, and the postie has stopped bringing anything unsigned. Two neighbours report that their kettles reach the boil as she walks past, which they find convenient.

Opening hours run Tuesday to Saturday from dusk, with a short interval at nine for dramatic staring out to sea. A special season of Hellboy-themed beam patterns begins in March, and Vivian Kensington's pink-tinged sweeps follow in April. Booking is not required, but umbrellas are advised.

Guidance for the public

Do not ask the beam to dim; it will, but with a look.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 23 June 1972. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.