Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Paul Whitehouse Comedian

BECOMES DRAUGHT, TAILORS YOUR ANKLES FREE

Found: one draught, answers to 'Brilliant!', last seen under a door near the chip queue

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Paul Whitehouse measures a luggage trolley with a tailor's tape, nodding approvingly as if it were a fine jacket.
Location
Under the door of a Whitby chip shop, between the queue and the vinegar
Currently
Tailoring a gust for a stranger's ankles, free of charge
Last confirmed sighting
Ruffling a tartan scarf on Church Street, Tuesday teatime
Observations
Can fit a gale for a sailor from forty miles inland.

Paul Whitehouse is now a draught, felt mainly under doors along the Whitby harbour front. He is at his strongest at the fish and chip shop, where he passes the queue at ankle height and leaves in a different accent each time.

"I was mopping by the door when something went round my calves and said 'Suits you, sir'," said Janet, a part-time chip shop cleaner. "Then it did a long story about a vintage claret and went out under the mat. Lovely cool air, though."

Is he cold? No, he reports being brilliant. Can he be draught-proofed? Yes, but he will only come back in through the letterbox, as Swiss Toni, comparing the sealant to something unsuitable. Should you offer him a chip? He cannot hold one, but he will tell you how it is done.

Guidance for the public

Close the door firmly, then say 'brilliant' to be polite.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 17 May 1958. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.