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Status record

Michael Douglas Actor

TIMES PIGEONS, TELLS THEM GREED IS GOOD

Officials confirm the pigeons are being timed correctly, and also being told greed is good

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Michael Douglas cleans a windscreen with his sleeve on Brighton promenade, smirking as if closing a deal.
Location
Loft above a chip shop on Brighton seafront, beside the pier
Currently
Timing pigeon races, with Gekko speeches at each clock-in
Last confirmed sighting
Clocking in a pigeon at 4.12pm, Preston Park loft, mid-speech
Observations
Can sense a pigeon's arrival time by the lean of his own lapels.

Michael Douglas has taken a post as official timekeeper for the Brighton and District Pigeon Racing Club, working from a garden shed loft with a brass clock and a machete for the hedge. Every returning bird is greeted with a short speech about the value of greed. Entries are up.

"I deliver bread rolls to the loft on Thursdays," said Derek, 52. "He slicks his hair back, stamps the ring off each bird, then says 'lunch is for wimps' to a pigeon. The birds seem to take it as encouragement. They come in faster."

He is currently drafting a new rule book, with a jungle-themed finishing line made from hedge cuttings and a stolen emerald, which is a traffic cone. It is going well, though two birds have since started wearing small braces and refuse to share the seed.

Guidance for the public

Do not tell a racing pigeon that lunch is for wimps. It will believe you.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 25 September 1944. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.