Registry of Existential Status
Service update: Form M-3 is temporarily unavailable. Reclassifications back to “person” may take longer than usual.

Check the current status of a public figure

Maybe they didn't die, or were never alive. The Registry can tell you where they are, what they currently are, and how confident it is that they exist.

Famous people only. The Registry does not hold records on private individuals, minors or reality television personalities.

Status record

Melanie C Musician

TRAPPED IN VENDING MACHINE, HIGH KICKS FAIL

Lost: one powerhouse chorus, last seen inside a crisp vending machine; finder please push gently

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Melanie C waits for toast at a diner counter, ponytail high, trainers bouncing as the rain starts.
Location
Inside a vending machine behind a car boot sale near Chelmsford, Essex
Currently
Retrieving her high note from a vending machine, row C
Last confirmed sighting
Wedged between a Twirl and a packet of mints, row C
Observations
Can do a backflip so well that nearby coins land heads up.

Her singing voice has leaked into a vending machine behind a car boot sale outside Chelmsford. The machine now dispenses crisps, a Twirl, and occasionally a belted top note. Melanie is inside, in trainers, trying to coax it back with a high kick.

"I fill the machine every Thursday," said Dennis, a vending route driver. "Last week I pressed B4 and got a sustained note instead of cheese puffs. It was in tune, which is more than I can say for the machine."

In a statement passed on by a passing ice cream van driver over his chimes, Melanie said she is fine, a bit cramped, and doing cartwheels where she can. She asked that nobody shake the machine, and that someone please bring change.

Guidance for the public

Do not shake the machine. Insert coins, and stand well back from the high notes.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 12 January 1974. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.