Registry of Existential Status
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Check the current status of a public figure

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Status record

Mark Zuckerberg Business

LIFT ONLY STOPS WHERE PINT ISN'T POURED

"The lift has not yet reached my floor, nor has the Guinness," says a very patient revolving door

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Mark Zuckerberg winces over a pint of dark stout at a small Icelandic airport while a toddler stares.
Location
Between floors 3 and 4 of a lift in Menlo Park, near the blue thumb sign
Currently
Running a social network from lift floor 13½, Guinness untouched
Last confirmed sighting
Pressing a button marked 7½, holding a full pint, Tuesday lunchtime
Observations
Has pressed the Like button on every floor that doesn't exist, except the one with the Guinness.

He now lives in a lift that stops only at floors that do not exist, and runs his working life from the inside. Each stop, a fresh pint of Guinness is waiting on a ledge. He chews it, winces, swills it round, pushes it away, and orders another.

Menlo Park council has received 41 complaints about a grey hoodie visible in the lift window at floor 9¾. It has also received 12 compliments, mostly about the lift music, and one asking whether the Like button could be fitted on the stairs. A pint glass has been logged as a recurring obstruction.

"I clean the lift shaft on Thursdays," said Doreen, a window cleaner. "He waves, scrolls something on a phone, and takes a sip of that stout like it's a tax bill. Then he presses 22b and asks the lift for another. Nobody has told him the lift doesn't have a 22b."

Guidance for the public

Do not press 13½. Do not offer him a pint. He will accept it.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 14 May 1984. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.