Kylian Mbappé
Pedalo available for sprints 9 to 5, closed Sundays for drifting
- Location
- Mid-Adriatic, 40 metres beyond the last queue for Viennese bakery rolls
- Currently
- Training squad of seagulls on a pedalo
- Last confirmed sighting
- Overtaking a buoy at speed, 6:12 on Tuesday morning
- Observations
- Can accelerate a pedalo from zero to Tuesday in under two seconds.
The pedalo left a Viennese boating lake in March and has since covered 1,400 miles of inland water that does not connect. Kylian is fine, tanned and pedalling at a sprinter's cadence. He holds a full training session each morning on the rear seat.
Experts disagree on whether the pedalo is going faster because of his pace or because the swan on the front is pulling. One navigator insists the folded-arms celebration after each buoy passed adds two knots. A second says it only adds style.
The local council has received 212 compliments about the step-overs performed around moored dinghies, and 19 complaints about the wake. One resident asked that he stop celebrating outside the bakery queue. Another requested he stay, as the queue now moves faster.
Do not race the pedalo; you will lose and it will be noticed.
Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 20 December 1998. Source: Wikidata
E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.