Registry of Existential Status
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Status record

Jason Statham Actor

WIPE-CLEAN, DRIVES GETAWAY FROM PICNIC TABLE

Correction: earlier notice said he was driving; he is in fact a wipe-clean card, still in transit

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Jason Statham eats chips from the paper at a Scottish lay-by, keeping moving like his Crank character.
Location
Laminating pouch behind the Leigh Delamere services car park, westbound side, near the trolley shelter
Currently
Wipe-clean courier, delivering himself at 70mph
Last confirmed sighting
Sliding off a dashboard in a hot Bristol-bound Audi, 4.10pm Tuesday
Observations
Can still drive a getaway car, even when the car is a picnic table.

Mr Statham has been laminated to A4 size, 150 micron gloss, and remains in excellent condition. He is still fitted with a dark suit, now permanently creased at the elbow. He continues to deliver packages, though only those that fit flat.

"I was wiping down table nine at the services when he slid past on a tray," said Doreen, a café cleaner. "He told me not to be late with the cloth, and not to bend him. I gave him a quick spray and he was off. Shiny, though. Very shiny."

He will tour the A-roads of the Midlands from 3 March, with one night in each glove box. A Crank-themed run of eleven motorway services follows in April, stopping for no longer than the rules allow. Spare pouches will be on sale at the exits.

Guidance for the public

Do not bend him, and keep him away from hot dashboards.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 26 July 1967. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.