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Status record

David Beckham Football

BENDS LIGHTHOUSE BEAM ROUND THE HEADLAND

Coastal bulletin: light fog off the headland, swerving beam expected after dusk, delays on the shipping lane

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
David Beckham carries a ladder across a wholesale warehouse floor in Singapore, a flask tucked under his arm, holding it at a precise right angle to his body.
Location
Top gallery of a lighthouse, 200 metres behind a Helsinki library returns desk
Currently
Lighthouse keeper, bending the beam round headlands
Last confirmed sighting
Curling a lamp beam around a trawler, Tuesday, 21:40
Observations
Can curl a sandwich around a corner and still have it arrive warm.

He has taken a post as keeper of a lighthouse on a grey stretch of coast, and arrived with his own boots and a bag of footballs. The previous keeper, Pirkko, handed over the keys and a flask. The lamp is now serviced twice nightly.

The beam no longer sweeps in a straight line but bends in a long right-footed arc around the rocks and drops onto the harbour mouth. Ships report being crossed into port from the right wing. He tests the lamp by lining up a row of buoys as a wall, and the light goes over them and under the bar.

His statement was passed on by a gull that regularly visits the gallery rail. It said, in a high clear voice, that he is enjoying the quiet, that the lamp is a good lamp, and that anybody calling it Bend It Like Beckham will be asked to wait outside.

Guidance for the public

Ships should aim left of the lighthouse and expect to be crossed in.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 2 May 1975. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.