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Status record

Alan Carr Comedian

RUNS TEA URN, MATCH STOPS FOR GOSSIP

Tea urn at cricket club now offers opinions on every customer who queues

Existence confidence provisional
A generated photo of an anonymous stranger. It is not the person named.
Alan Carr reads the small print on a menu at a 24-hour diner in New Mexico, his laughter building audibly with each calorie count.
Location
Behind the tea hatch of a village cricket pavilion, forty minutes from a Mumbai-bound platform
Currently
Tea urn operator at a cricket club, gossiping freely
Last confirmed sighting
Pouring a third urn of tea during the lunch interval
Observations
Can detect a rumour from the next county by the temperature of the milk.

Alan Carr has taken a job operating the tea urn at a village cricket club, where he has been issued a tabard and a ladle. He chats to every person in the queue, and the urn now cackles when it reaches the boil. Spectators say the tea tastes of gossip.

"I sell the raffle tickets by the scoreboard, and I've never had so many people in the queue for just a tea," said Brenda, 58, a groundsman's assistant. "He leans over the hatch and says 'Go on, tell me everything', and by the second sugar they have. The scorer has stopped scoring."

Monday 10:15: urn installed, immediately christened Chatty Urn. Wednesday 13:40: lunch interval overruns by fifty minutes due to a story about a mum. Friday 16:05: umpire takes an early tea after hearing the urn laugh. Sunday 11:00: sofa placed behind the hatch, nobody asked for it.

Guidance for the public

Do not tell the urn anything you would not tell the whole village.

Actual status (not satire) No death recorded as of 22 October 2026. Born 14 June 1976. Source: Wikidata

E&OE. The Registry accepts no liability for misclassification, temporal displacement or loss of personhood arising from this record. Photographs are computer-generated approximations and almost guaranteed to show a different person entirely.